


fifteen ways to turn into a monster

by andperidot



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 01:48:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7020682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andperidot/pseuds/andperidot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being a stupid lamb is much harder than it sounds. You wouldn't have it any other way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	fifteen ways to turn into a monster

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Fifteen Ways to Stay Alive](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/201484) by Daphne Gottlieb. 



> Reposting from a now-defunct writing tumblr I made a few years back. The concept of this fic is based off of the linked Daphne Gottlieb poem, which I'd seen remixed for fictional characters before and wanted to try myself. I tend to think of this as an attempt to reclaim Bella Swan's characterization from her terrible abusive narrative, because to me there's a lot of unfulfilled potential in her character and it's unfair that she regularly gets slammed for the actions of people who hurt her. You could say I'm a very defensive stan, and this fic is a love letter.
> 
> Warnings: brief references to attempted suicide.

  1. Offer yourself to the beast over and over, no matter how many times he refuses you. Do not relent. Do not give up. Do not let anyone dictate what your wants and desires should be, even if you don’t have access to them. Do not let go of the wants and desires you have chosen for yourself, no matter the costs they warn you about over and over.  
  

  2. Wear your heart on your sleeve like an aching knot of blood and muscle that seeps with every desperate hope you’ve ever whispered to yourself in your room at night, instead of counting sheep.  
  

  3. Pretend you need to be saved.  
  

  4. Pretend you are fragile enough to be broken.  
  

  5. Offer yourself to the roaring winds. Offer yourself to the crashing waves. The storm outside is all that matches the churning inside your soul, and you will not be denied. It isn’t about suicide, but about finding something chaotic enough to match the sting of your cravings.  
  

  6. Only let people in who have something to offer you; only let people in who you can offer every broken ugly edge of yourself to.  
  

  7. Don’t sleep. If you do sleep, dream. Even your worst nightmares are a reminder that you are alive.  
  

  8. Realize that this love is not your greatest triumph, is not the thing that keeps you breathing, is not your revival, is not what you live for, is not why you became a shadow of yourself when he left you. That gift is still waiting for you to come and claim it.  
  

  9. Use the memory of air rushing past your face and the embrace of ice-cold water to remind you of what you fight for. Everyone thinks you did it for the landing, but the truth is that you did it for the jump.  
  

  10. Practice rescuing the people you love. Everyone still thinks of you as the flower, delicate and easy to crush, even as you throw yourself into danger’s sneering mouth again and again, even as you turn yourself into a weapon. That’s fine. There is time to teach them differently, as long as you keep making sure they stay alive.  
  

  11. Don’t lose your ground. Don’t let them tell you what you should be. Don’t listen when they warn you, over and over, about the fate of your soul. They think you’re spiraling downward, when really what you’re doing is soaring up.  
  

  12. Pretend that you are a princess, and this is your fairytale. Pretend that instead of slaying the dragon, you let it sink its teeth into your delicate skin. It’s the only way you’ll get your own wings.  
  

  13. Pretend you’re excited to accept the crown as you make plans to fly away during the coronation.  
  

  14. Believe you can push off into the air, believe nothing can touch you, believe like your salvation depends on it because it does. Know that you are unstoppable, a wild animal racing through the woods, and you have the power to make sure no one ever hurts your family again, let alone you yourself. You are the beast, and even as you’ve become something out of myths and legends, you have never felt more real. There are no restrictions, no suburban neighborhoods, no white picket fences. You are what you choose to be. The dark is wise enough to be afraid of you.  
  

  15. Forget the limits of your skin.




End file.
